There are mornings like yesterday. When Jack is in a mood from the moment he wakes up and no matter how much I love on him or offer him juice or yogurt, he isn’t for it. And he cries and fusses all day except for the two hours of sleep he gives me and I lay in bed with him and enjoy his niceness for the short time it lasts. And during the day I wonder what in the world we were thinking wanting children so close together and how I don’t feel totally comfortable in this new “mom skin” yet and it worries me if I ever will.
Somedays I just feel like I’m babysitting. It hurts my heart to say this. I love Jack. An insane amount and I’d step in front of a bullet, rabid dog, semi truck and anything else trying to hurt him. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not yet used to drinking my morning coffee on the floor so a child isn’t pulling on my pants in want. Sometimes I don’t want to walk him down the steps for the 1071st time, just so he can turn around and walk back up. There are times I don’t know what he wants and I just have to walk away for a few seconds because it seems I can’t take it. And I wish it wasn’t that way. I feel like this should all be natural feeling by now.
And then there are mornings like today. When we both sleep in until 7 a.m. and I pick him up and we snuggle his duck and bear and puppy and he leans his head back on my chest and hugs all four of us. When we eat watermelon and oatmeal and head out to the porch with coffee and apple juice and watch the trucks drive by. When it’s cool and calm and my heart is so full and my body is not sleepy and all I want to do is write it all down so I will never ever forget these seconds.
These mornings I have so much pure, joyful love that I feel so motherly and content and I yearn to be holding my fresh sleeping newborn while we watch Jack play. Five months seems like an eternity and all I want is for all three of us to be enjoying this morning together.
That is one thing that I will be in ever wonderment of and grateful for beyond measure – elasticity.
The elasticity of our minds to quickly forget the insecurities and shortcomings and doubts of all the yesterday mornings and hold onto, much longer, the beauties we are given at times like today.
No one ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it. And during mornings like this, it is so clear to see the worth beyond life itself. The challenge is to remember why we do it all. To pray through those rough patches and hold onto the knowing that it is all, in wonderful fact, worth it.